Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about 3 p.m. next Wednesday.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Financial success continues to elude you, as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you've failed at before? Find out in next week's Cancer!

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You'll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterward you'll be complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they must not be rinsing it thoroughly or using a bright enough flashlight.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so embarrassingly obvious that words will be unnecessary.