Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and you’re fresh out of chum.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad you’ll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. It’s not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa?
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll make a mint with your revolutionary sexual aid—a synthetic foreskin.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun begins—your area tile store.