Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won’t let you touch it.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. So at least you’ve got that going for you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you’re forced to hand them your wallet.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you’re going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.