Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of your relationship, trades you to the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The parandrus, an antlered, hairy, cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and notable for its ill temper and foul breath, was thought to be mythical until people got a load of you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your sudden desire for stability will lead to you retrofitting yourself with StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid-control system that brakes your feet individually to improve control.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll be taken aback by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The so-called Tenth Crusade will end almost as soon as it begins next week when armies of religious warriors have no trouble whatsoever conquering and subjugating you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your romantic life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto’s going to be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You have evidently failed to learn the lessons of history, as you begin next week by attempting to find the Northwest Passage, unite Britain and Ireland, and get your family to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won’t really be possible for anything to ever happen to you again.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after they open a conversation with you by saying “I’ve been thinking about taking other sexual partners.”
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can’t be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arms.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ll be bitten by a vampire and become one of the Immortal Sanguinary Children Of The Night just when the whole fad is about to blow over.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your future has yet to be determined due to a malevolent online community’s massive denial-of-service attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.