Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
During an interview with your son’s grade-school teacher, you’ll be relieved to learn how little you give a shit about how he is doing.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Rummaging through your basement, you will stumble upon an old guide on picking up women from the 1970s, which, after a visit to your local bar, you will discover works just as well as the day it was printed.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll run out of your secret ingredient of love halfway through baking a batch of lemon squares this week. Thankfully, you’ll have enough hate and jealousy on hand for an infinite number of desserts.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be accidentally left behind by a tour group while visiting Mexico City next week, resulting in a harrowing and distressing afternoon of not being able to accurately identify which buildings are colonial.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If you somehow magically had the chance to do it all over again, you’d do everything in your power to make her happy. You don’t, though, because that’s not the way it works.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
As the court stenographer, your job is to transcribe testimony without bias. Still, you will not be able to stop yourself from typing off-color comments about a fast-talking defendant on trial for murder.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A deep-sea diving excursion will momentarily help you escape from all of your problems back on land, until you catch sight of a species of sea anemone that seems to perfectly express how far behind you are on your home’s mortgage payments.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve been fooling yourself for so long that you’ve lost track of your sense of identity, your joy in life, and which one is actually the real Shroud of Turin.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Rock venue managers from across the country will praise your ingenuity and business savvy next week after you successfully employ a sheepdog to corral and guide a lineup of Wilco fans into your club.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will soon discover that your home’s fire escape plan, although seemingly effective, fails to take fire into account.