Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s because “head for tumors” isn’t really an expression.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Text “LIBRA” now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Things will look up this week, before baring their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you’ll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as “it” involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.