Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A large sum of cash in a pink envelope will arrive in your mailbox today. Use it to purchase 30 cases of Sizzlean.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A tour of a peanut factory ends in tragedy when you are accidentally honey-roasted.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

With summer around the corner, it’s time to get in shape. Have your beefy mid-section excised by a plastic surgeon.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Improve your performance at the office. Slaughter your coworkers to eliminate competition.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You’ll save thousands of dollars in food bills when you become a plant. Stock up on fresh soil.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Now that the kids are all grown-up, it’s time for you and your spouse to rekindle old flames. Get that much-delayed divorce.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then you’ll be flattened by a stampede of oxen.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Financial dealings look brighter now that you’ve cashed in that jar of pennies. Spend that $12 wisely.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars say you should get a pet because they are a great source of companionship and cheap meat.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don’t be self-conscious about a little unwanted facial hair. Electrolysis can remove that, monkey boy.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A long rest is in order when you splinter both tibias and fibulas.

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