Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A large sum of cash in a pink envelope will arrive in your mailbox today. Use it to purchase 30 cases of Sizzlean.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A tour of a peanut factory ends in tragedy when you are accidentally honey-roasted.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
With summer around the corner, it’s time to get in shape. Have your beefy mid-section excised by a plastic surgeon.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Improve your performance at the office. Slaughter your coworkers to eliminate competition.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll save thousands of dollars in food bills when you become a plant. Stock up on fresh soil.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Now that the kids are all grown-up, it’s time for you and your spouse to rekindle old flames. Get that much-delayed divorce.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then you’ll be flattened by a stampede of oxen.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Financial dealings look brighter now that you’ve cashed in that jar of pennies. Spend that $12 wisely.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars say you should get a pet because they are a great source of companionship and cheap meat.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don’t be self-conscious about a little unwanted facial hair. Electrolysis can remove that, monkey boy.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A long rest is in order when you splinter both tibias and fibulas.