Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your greatest sorrow arises from your strongest asset: your intuitive drive to please others and ability to do The Worm.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll try to set the world afire with the unbridled passion of your incandescent prose, but fail so badly you’re hailed as the next John Updike.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In the end, you won’t wish you’d done anything differently; you’ll just wish you hadn’t had to do anything.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You thought having a cat would be fun, but it’s been 10 days and it hasn’t even gotten itself anything to eat yet.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it’s unusual for it to jump off a bridge like that.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Somehow you always thought that when you got to a certain age the clothes would be a lot better.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won’t have to put up with as much of it as most people.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You thought there was nothing in life that the music of Al Green couldn’t fix, but then you found out about reactor meltdowns, crop failure, and cardiac embolisms.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality sweatpants to a somewhat better class of people.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
This will be a week of surprise after surprise, which will become tiresome after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.