Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Sure, they’re quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it’s time you got those antlers checked.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Remember: Don’t let any man ever tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they’re even talking about in the first place.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The game of soccer, when played with skill and grace, is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You’ll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’re about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don’t need to remind you when to chew.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, or matters of economics, or even health-related fears. They’re just vindictive bastards.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ve never worked a day in your life, though that’s mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Remember: There’s no use in kicking and screaming and crying all day long. They’re going to change your diaper when they get to it.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it’s a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.