Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're through giving advice to people, to the vast relief of the park rangers tasked with pulling their charred husks out of the volcanoes.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they'll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you'll lose at the zoo this Thursday.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you'll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After becoming a routine victim of bedbugs, you'll make history as the world's first victim of chair-, wall-, and all-over-the-catbugs.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won't get the girl this time, either.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've always said that if you were king, you'd make college free, but there won't be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.