Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A good friend will be a pillar of strength and selflessly support you in a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending them a note that says “Thanks for your support.”

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The stars foretell that food will materialize in your refrigerator the fourth time you open it.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There’s nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders-type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The FDA will realize their mistake too late to prevent your death after they accidentally name you as part of a complete breakfast.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

While some see hourglasses as symbolic of the fleeting nature of existence, they’ll only ever remind you of your teenage summer fling with Chronor, the Keeper of Time.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Romance will once again pass you by when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mixtapes.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll finally realize a dream you’ve had since childhood when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you all up.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your greatest sorrows arise from your strongest assets: Your intuitive drive to please others and ability to do the worm.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for a year now.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Next week won’t be the best you’ve ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.