Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Don’t be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuckup like you.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your unconscious escapes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is a whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and, finally, you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it’d be so convenient.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After years of quiet introspection, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucus-covered frame.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
More and more, you’re beginning to suspect you’re just around to help move the plot forward.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Remember to count your blessings this week, as it’s the last time you’ll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that’s definitely going to hurt.