Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 8, 2017

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Venus rising in your sign this week sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings but the Zodiac assures you it’s merely decorative.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro over what is and is not in fact gangsta.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you for next week’s Mundane Individual Dead Pool.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you’ll tell about it will be able to attest.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The universal red shift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say “from you.”

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you’re single because you’re “too picky.” Put down the fork and pick up the soap, dammit.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperagressive Africanized bees.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you’re using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and which will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten on waking.


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