Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you’ll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive a stick, but no, you won’t get the girl this time, either.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ve always said that if you were king, you’d make college free, but there won’t be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you’ll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Just when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to roller skate around naked except for the gas mask.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won’t ruin the magic.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they’ll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you’ll lose at the zoo this Thursday.