Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life’s work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your biggest mistake wasn’t assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully rezoned for commercial use.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Fame, fortune, and heavy metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Gemini they’ve ever driven.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
While it’s true that only God can judge you, it also won’t take Him more than a couple seconds.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you’re going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll be faced with a financial crisis and a cleaning problem when your roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write “heart failure” in the spot marked “Cause of Death.”