Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you’ll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It’s funny, after 35 years of marriage, you’d think you’d have an easier time identifying your wife’s corpse.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The people at the local animal shelter wouldn’t think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week when “The Sabre Dance,” a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian’s Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but also repeatedly throughout.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

In a heartbreaking county fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into a competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion, Chuck “Crazy Jaws” Brewer, in less than nine seconds.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you’ll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik’s Tesseract, a brainteaser that’s impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren’t so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You can’t remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn’t helped matters.

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