Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you’ll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It’s funny, after 35 years of marriage, you’d think you’d have an easier time identifying your wife’s corpse.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The people at the local animal shelter wouldn’t think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week when “The Sabre Dance,” a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian’s Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but also repeatedly throughout.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
In a heartbreaking county fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into a competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion, Chuck “Crazy Jaws” Brewer, in less than nine seconds.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you’ll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik’s Tesseract, a brainteaser that’s impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren’t so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You can’t remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn’t helped matters.