Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

You're sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you'll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won't ruin the magic.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll wake up naked in a hotel bed between the corpses of a prostitute and a district attorney and have no memory of what happened, but presumably it's the same situation as last time.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You'll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they're out to get you.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn't explain what's been happening to you at three o'clock every Wednesday for the past three months.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

They'll say what you did to all those nurses was unspeakable and ugly, but you know in your heart they're all really just jealous.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You may have great quantities of bravado, élan, and puissance, but there's no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they're too good to just tell you about in advance.