Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

It’s true that your heart is mature beyond your years, which is nice, except in the case of your rapidly aging mistrial and aortic valves.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Someday in the future, humanity will have a healthy attitude toward sexuality, but until then, you have an idea that could make you incredibly rich.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

They say that it’s not how well the bear dances that’s impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it’s so creepy in there that She only takes about six minutes to get out again.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Just keep telling yourself it’s all going to be alright until you finally get it through your head once and for all that you can’t trust anything you say.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Okay, the stars realize that last week’s prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week’s incubus invasion should make up for it.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You tend to think of yourself as a big neurotic mess, but don’t sell yourself short. You’re also a big psychotic mess on top of it all.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your problem, if you’re honest with yourself, isn’t that you love too much. It’s that you make love to people’s mailboxes too frequently.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider’s perspective, you’ll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.

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