Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Long after your mind’s shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It is said that the eyes are the windows to one’s soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After years of disappointment, you’ll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm’s reach.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you’ll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you’ll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you’ll be amazed by the amount of progress you’ve made in therapy.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don’t be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.