Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Try listening to your body this week. It’s got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
After days of searching, you’ll finally find comfort this week. Just above “comforter” and right below “confit.”
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Just as you’ve always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of “getting girls.”
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’re going to need a lot of Epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn’t like the time with the horse laxatives.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Someday, you might learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week’s experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your proclivities towards paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life’s lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
In a wacky horoscopic mixup, you’ll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you’re trying to start new projects at work.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Keep extra apples and bandages around the house next week as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.