Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll be punished for playing God this week, which isn’t surprising, considering the Cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blond hair you gave Him.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn’t as exciting as it used to be.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn’t have an answer for why you’re such a jerk.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there’s probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Previously on Libra: “Is that…could it be…yes, it’s the tall, dark stranger!” “Welcome to Sydney, madam, I hope last night’s journey over water was to your liking.” “32, 8, 17, 24, 5.”
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A mixture of dread, anxiety, and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation’s housing blister finally bursts.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ve spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it’s one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.