Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You swore you’d make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you’ll have a favorite stock-car racer.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Sometimes, life’s smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It’s true people only pay attention to you because of your enormous breasts, but cut them some slack. Most people only have two, and theirs are relegated to their chest.

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Nobody said the farming life was going to be easy, but you still never imagined it would require waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to file for 11 different government subsidies.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The ravages of age will begin to interfere with your work this week when your rapidly worsening vision produces paparazzi photo after paparazzi photo of people who look like Matt Damon.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

An 8-year-old asshole will give away all 43 endings to the choose your own adventure book you’re reading.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early <i>Homo sapien</i> is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll be prevented from joining the Army’s elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation’s firefighters thank God daily.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.

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