Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Years of living vicariously through your brother will come to an end this week when you die vicariously through him.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Note: This week’s horoscope has been classified by the CIA due to a series of national security concerns. The constellation Pisces has already been detained.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Don’t worry your pretty little head about next week’s events. Instead, worry your pretty little arms, your pretty little legs, and that pretty little spine of yours about it.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but then, they’re still quite tired from having all that sex with your wife.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll be honored this week by the prestigious Academy Of Just Handing These Damn Things Out To Whoever’s Around.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
They say animals can often sense an earthquake moments before it strikes, which explains why so many of them are smiling at you right now.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A rather curious birth this week will bring new meaning to the idiom “all thumbs.”
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Looking back on it now, letting Sam Peckinpah direct your home movies was probably a big mistake.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You see the world through rose-colored glasses. Unfortunately, they’re not prescription rose-colored glasses, which helps explains why you love the world for all of its unpredictable walls.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
While pleased with the progress you’ve been making in your anger-management course, you will suffer a tremendous setback this week after realizing it’s actually a basket-weaving class you’ve been attending all this time.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It will become obvious over the next several weeks that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while clearing out the attic, every month counts.