Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
An elite squad of international assassins will target you in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The debate on whether we have a shame or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjusted to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.