Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 28, 2020

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you’re not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ll be sued for slander, sexual harassment, inciting to riot, and a half-dozen other crimes when you decide to let your dancing speak for you.

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

Enjoy your position at the top of the food chain, because God is about to shake things up a little with the new Mountain Lion 2.0.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Singing underneath your true love’s window seems romantic, but because of poor planning, you’ll wind up seducing the convent’s entire dormitory wing.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’re about to face yet another week of life-or-death struggles, but as usual, all you really have to do is remember to eat.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The idea behind judo is to make an opponent’s strength work against him, making you immune to the martial art.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Many prophesied that you’d wind up wearing your ass for a hat, but they didn’t predict that the fickle world of fashion would co-opt the look overnight.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The inner world of every person contains realms unimagined, but you should still be able to guess what your license-plate-collecting brother-in-law might like for Christmas.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Where there’s life, there’s hope. This week, your heart will become the home of many single-celled, fungal, and parasitic species of hope.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your inability to conduct both parallel and distributed computational processes will prevent you from being an integral component in next year’s hottest laptops.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will suffer terrible pain and emotional trauma, and all because someone put a diving board where it didn’t belong.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It’s small-minded of him, but the detective investigating your death will suspect foul play simply because he would have tried to kill you himself.

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