Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
People say you’re a control freak, but if you had your way, they’d say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
For centuries, fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.