Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 29, 2018

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Low-Risk Mutual Funds and Tax-Exempt Municipal Bonds might seem like a safe bet. But then, picking a racehorse based solely on its name is never the way to go.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

People say you’re a control freak, but if you had your way, they’d say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

For centuries, fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The judge will sentence you to three weeks of community service work at a nearby park, which is exactly what you were doing when the cops picked you up.

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