Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.

Advertisement

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Don’t worry if you don’t understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you’re stupid.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.

Advertisement

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.

Advertisement

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town’s warning klaxon.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You’ll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.

Advertisement

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.

Advertisement

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It’s getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.

Advertisement

Share This Story

Get our newsletter