Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Don’t worry if you don’t understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you’re stupid.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town’s warning klaxon.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.