Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Don’t worry if you don’t understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you’re stupid.

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town’s warning klaxon.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You’ll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It’s getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.

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