Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

With NASA under increased pressure to perform and to curry public favor, they’re seriously considering using cutting-edge technology to launch you into orbit.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Once, you were just the infant found in a city dumpster. Now, you’re known nationwide as “that guy who’s lived his entire life in the dumpster where he was found as an infant.”

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your exuberance at suddenly discovering you can fly is muted somewhat when the discovery happens during your tour of the White House, causing you to be blown out of the air by vigilant F-15 pilots.

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Taurus includes the stars of the Pleiades—mentioned in the Bible and instrumental in the design of the Pyramids—but these beauties are just one of the many reasons to visit the most popular constellation in the Zodiac.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Maybe in your next life, you’ll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Actually, a goatsucker is an order of insect-eating nocturnal birds that includes the whippoorwill and the nighthawk, you pervert.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ll be found guilty of 12,582 counts of bee murder and given the responsibility of pollinating every flower in your immediate neighborhood for 11 years.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Change is long overdue in your life, but sadly, the Zodiac can no longer find a place in the budget for such expenditures.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ve always reported the incidents as “drive-by shootings,” but that may not be the proper term to describe your situation, wherein everyone you drive by shoots at you.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Word to the wise: Although your baby is indeed badly in need of a new pair of shoes, it is not likely that any situation involving dice is likely to produce said shoes.