Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You thought true love would last forever, but you're shocked to discover an expiration date printed on the back, just below the consumer warnings.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll feel cheated this week when you discover there's no law that says you have to be nice to old ladies.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Next week will be a time of great financial and emotional rewards. It's just too bad you won't be there to see it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate you shouldn't forget Katya's potluck this Friday at 6 p.m.