Cancer | June 21 to July 22
After years of development and hundreds of simulations, the French government has announced its ultraminiaturized nuclear device is ready to test on you.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ve tried all your life to follow your dreams, probably because you had no idea of the terrible places they’d ultimately be going.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The existence of rogue waves has been confirmed for well over 15 years, but until your sudden drowning next week, they won’t have been known to make it all the way to Kansas City.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It seems your own cat isn’t one of those cats that dials 911 when its owner sets fire to the apartment while trying to figure out how to deep-fry Snickers bars.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While it’s a myth that secret millionaires’ clubs hunt human beings for sheer sport, you’ll learn the hard way that some of them do it out of an altruistic sense of duty to society.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll be getting down and dirty, as well as hot and heavy, quite a lot in the near future, but that’s mostly because it’s time to move.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out you’ll have had at least one really good sandwich.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll soon meet a dark stranger and join him in taking a night journey across the water, but hey, that’s modern business travel for you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You may have been deeply hurt by it dozens of times, and certainly you know others whose experiences haven’t been anything to write home about, but there’s really nothing intrinsically wrong with love.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After decades of being repeatedly hit by buses, you’ll finally sit down and talk with one face-to-face and realize that was just their unique way of expressing their affection all along.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ve always thought of yourself as a people person; after all, you have to have an interest in people in order to eat so many of them.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You really thought that when it finally all came to an end it’d be a little more dramatic than this.