Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you've been pointing them out to couldn't be more bored if she tried.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Turns out it's not your relationship with your father that's been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

It takes a real man to admit when he's made a mistake. However, now that you're a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you'll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You'll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you'd probably prefer something you can actually use.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Juggling three young children isn't easy for any mother, but then, that's why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you'd pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You said you'd never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven't thought about those midgets once.