Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Although you completely understand the building inspector’s point about wheelchair access, you’re not certain the ramps are quite in keeping with the purpose of your Burmese tiger traps.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

The sudden premature arrival of your baby can still be a cause for joy, despite the fact that you were completely unaware you were pregnant, female, or had ever had sex.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Yet another week will go by during which you’re so caught up in your own personal business that you’ll completely forget you were supposed to murder Nicole.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It’s not the part about the calls coming from inside the house that’s creepy; it’s the fact that the police could figure that out even though everyone has cell phones these days.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Mercury is in retrograde this week, which may explain why it’s falling back into all its old bad habits like drinking too much and talking crap about you to all your mutual planetary friends.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

While it’s true engineers have been known to drill “lightening holes” in vehicles to reduce their weight, it’s probably best that you just eat less and exercise regularly.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You still don’t fully grasp the difference between tongue depressors and Popsicle sticks, especially since they both burn at pretty much the same temperature and fit in the same places in people.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ve been reluctant to try it, but your experience with cybersex is actually warm, satisfying, and mutually uplifting, you horribly stunted emotional cripple.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

It’s true that no man is an island, but all bullshit humanistic hand-wringing aside, it’s totally okay to be happy that malignant Breitbart asshole is gone forever.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will finally settle on the one question that will define how you interact with the rest of humanity, but sadly, it turns out that most of them were in fact going to finish eating that.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Although you won’t discover electricity in the absolute sense this week, you will discover it in a very profound personal fashion.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Thursday is not going to be the least bit funny to you, but it will be hilarious to the chair-lift operator, the septic tank man, the EMTs, and everyone who reads about it in the New York Post