Aries | March 21 to April 19
Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Although it’s true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it’s just fine for a quick, temporary fix in many situations.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
They say that it’s not how well the bear dances that’s impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll come to in a New Orleans brothel between a dead politician’s daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it’s all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Okay, the stars realize that last week’s prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week’s incubus invasion should make up for it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you’re going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write “heart failure” in the spot marked “Cause of Death.”
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While it’s true that only God can judge you, it also won’t take Him more than a couple seconds.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your biggest mistake wasn’t assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.