Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Mars rising in your sign usually indicates increased conflict in life, but in this case it means the orbital plane of Earth has shifted and we are all about to die.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll show the world just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like cost and safety.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It turns out you’re the reason your sign is associated with daring, free-spirited people who like to borrow whole seasons of shows on DVD and not give them back.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A heralding angel of the Lord will appear unto you, seem confused, ask the date, apologize for visiting a few years early, and tell you not to use birth control for a while.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll soon enjoy a nice, hearty Italian dinner with your family, just like you always do after convincing Mom to enter rehab.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You might think it’s wrapped up nice and neat and you can just wash your hands of the thing, but it’s a baby, for Christ’s sake.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ll provide much-needed insight and deep wisdom when you loudly proclaim that those politicians are just a bunch of crooks in front of the whole bar.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Expect little change from last week, aside from the marauding badgers growing rudimentary thumbs and learning to use chipped-flint tools.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life will soon cross the line from comedy to tragedy, sending an entirely different group of people into gales of laughter.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll slowly start to see the value of improving communication in all your relationships, if only to better understand what the frantic firemen are trying to tell you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You may feel you’ve run out of gas, but don’t worry: It’s commercially available and that trick with the Coke bottle, the rag, and the match still works like a charm.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll finally learn you can’t run away from your problems, but you haven’t given up on escaping them by donning a clever disguise and hiding in a crowded restaurant.