Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The FBI will have to ask you some tough questions next week, such as whether true love really exists and what happens after we die.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ve tried everything you can think of to get that special person to like you, which of course explains why you’re fleeing a nationwide manhunt.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It turns out there are actually plenty of problems you can’t solve with a smile, a sincere heartfelt talk, or a large, heavy piece of lumber.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
In hard economic times like these, people tend to spend more money on booze and entertainment, but they don’t have to as long as you’re there to go into hilarious convulsions after drinking wood alcohol.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They say you can never step into the same river twice, but thanks to crocodiles and your refusal to learn how to swim, once is all you’ll need.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You thought you were powerless to deny a pretty face, but damn, not when it’s sitting on top of, like, 350 pounds of blubber.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Everyone has a part to play in God’s plan. For instance, your job is to create a distraction so that God can get away with the money in all the confusion.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
They say hard work never hurt anyone, and that’s true, as far as it goes. The work you do at the combination gasoline refinery and drill-bit plant isn’t exactly hard.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you’ll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is “to get the Zodiac some chicks.”
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
This is a great time for romance to bloom at work, because they’re about to lay everyone off and inspire an office shooting spree, so hey, gather ye rosebuds.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’re wasting your potential by living life as you do now, but not as much as you’re wasting your potential energy by not falling from high places.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’re not the kind of person who lets social conventions dictate how you live your life, but it would be nice if you could pull that off without being such an asshole.