Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
They say that knowing is half the battle, but they never talk about how the other half is tactical deployment and careful use of grenades.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your self-destructive behavior is beginning to get out of control, which is mostly notable due to how long you were able to control your behavior while destroying yourself.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Scientists will announce the discovery of sunspots spelling out your name this week just to see if they can get you to stare at the sun all day.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The natives will shrink in terror when you demonstrate your lighter, as even they know that smoking is not at all good for you.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Losing weight will improve your performance in all areas of life, but bolting on new shock absorbers is painful and counterproductive.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll learn too late that while it may be easy and even justifiable to ridicule the French, they take their full-contact judo very seriously.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It turns out that it’s neither the size of the wave nor the motion of the ocean that really matters, but the length and girth of your penis.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ll realize too late that there’s more to life than eating instant mashed potatoes and drinking root beer while the kiddie pool you’re laying in slowly fills up with your excrement.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll learn that there are some things that money can’t buy. For instance, with your record, you’re forbidden from approaching close enough to purchase girl scout cookies.