Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
We don’t get to choose the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage you’ll be following around with roses and candy this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
They say if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything, which is good enough for people who aren’t going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Now that you take a closer look at what’s on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you’re just fine for sentencing and execution.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You said you’d retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn’t something a person can just walk away from.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like “You should dress better,” “Nice people don’t do that,” and “Put down the gun and release the hostages.”
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ve always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you’ll change your mind this week after meeting the seven feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow Johnson.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you’ve been working on for years will wind up costing you several thousand dollars.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It’s not true that opening the dictionary to “loser” shows your picture, but for some reason, they’re still using it for “anteater,” “caisson,” and “dumbass.”
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you’ve ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
For some reason, all your plans for life boil down to, “In the confusion, we get away with both the money and the girl.”