Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Betrayal, treason, and vile calumny will be the order of things next week, which you must admit, sounds a lot cooler than the light office work you’re used to. 

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Although you always thought you’d be forced to mature when you had children, it turns out you fathered a son years ago and nothing’s changed.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ve always described yourself as someone who hates long goodbyes, but you’ve been standing on the edge of that bridge for three days now.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

While it’s true only God can judge you, you’re making it pretty easy for Him to decide you’re a jackass.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your deep-seated belief that there is meaning and purpose to the universe will be sorely tested this week, but only by the usual crap that always happens.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Trying to eat healthier and exercise more is admirable, but only when combined with not running blindly into traffic out of sheer depression.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

After pondering what truly separates man from the animals, you’re pretty sure that whatever it is should really be between you and the slavering wolverine.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ll be reduced to a caricature this week, but at least it’s the cool one where you smash through a glass coffee table while coked out of your mind.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You may not be an expert on which snakes are poisonous and which aren’t, but damn it, you know a cuddly one when you see it.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Mars rising in your sign this week means it’s already November, and you’ve spent the past four months in an alcoholic haze.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ll learn a valuable lesson about sharing this week, proving the effectiveness of hiring a top-rated sharing instructor.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it’s merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren’t actual brothers.

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