Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Betrayal, treason, and vile calumny will be the order of things next week, which you must admit, sounds a lot cooler than the light office work you’re used to.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Although you always thought you’d be forced to mature when you had children, it turns out you fathered a son years ago and nothing’s changed.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ve always described yourself as someone who hates long goodbyes, but you’ve been standing on the edge of that bridge for three days now.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While it’s true only God can judge you, you’re making it pretty easy for Him to decide you’re a jackass.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your deep-seated belief that there is meaning and purpose to the universe will be sorely tested this week, but only by the usual crap that always happens.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Trying to eat healthier and exercise more is admirable, but only when combined with not running blindly into traffic out of sheer depression.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After pondering what truly separates man from the animals, you’re pretty sure that whatever it is should really be between you and the slavering wolverine.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll be reduced to a caricature this week, but at least it’s the cool one where you smash through a glass coffee table while coked out of your mind.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You may not be an expert on which snakes are poisonous and which aren’t, but damn it, you know a cuddly one when you see it.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Mars rising in your sign this week means it’s already November, and you’ve spent the past four months in an alcoholic haze.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll learn a valuable lesson about sharing this week, proving the effectiveness of hiring a top-rated sharing instructor.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it’s merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren’t actual brothers.