Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will come closer to your own elemental nature this week when a sudden lance of white-hot plasma reduces you to your component atoms.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

After years of loneliness, you’ll find the only other person on Earth who cares about cuttlefish as much as you do, inspiring a mutual hatred that will last the rest of your short and violent lives.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You firmly believe that prayer is a beneficial practice for ordering your thoughts and sorting out your feelings, but only if enough people see you doing it.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You were never certain whether or not life is better with a little bit of mystery until you figured out exactly what that smell is.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You had always believed that there were two kinds of people in this world, but that was before you discovered the existence of the Germans.

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Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn’t a lot of fun.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll revolutionize the dating industry when you combine advanced physics, chemistry and genetics to ensure that you are in fact the last man on Earth.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

In outer space there is in fact no such thing as “up” or “down,” so it’s not clear if you’ll be falling forever or rising forever through the universe.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It is beneficial for a compassionate and intelligent person to stop now and again to consider the magnificence of human endeavor, so it is fortunate indeed that Mark Trail is still in print.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’re a firm believer that travel broadens the mind, which is one reason why you haven’t been outside of Missouri in more than 15 years.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It’s rare that people can live a happy, healthy life without friends, so the crushing depression you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

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