Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll soon grow dependent on drugs just to make it through the day, but unfortunately it’s because of cancer and not anything fun or interesting like addiction.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your death next week will come as a complete surprise, but appropriately enough, not for the reasons you might expect.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You always thought that when the giant robots began to arrive they’d be your friends, but hey, live and learn.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ve always been afraid to try new things, which is fortunate, as a whole bunch of new things will go around killing people who try them this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your pessimism and negativity are usually misplaced, but they’ll be perfectly appropriate when your elevator plunges into the flames Thursday.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sure enough, Al Green will take all your blues away trust like he always does, but the day is fast approaching when you’ll find out where he’s been taking them.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Millions of dollars will slip through your fingers when you discover that people are willing to pay good money for fake dog feces and decide the real thing must be worth twice as much.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While you might have been able to forgive her for walking out on you, your hatred of ska music is such that you’ll never be able to forgive her for skanking out on you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ve given up tilting at windmills once and for all, pragmatically deciding to dispatch them with much more sensible grenades instead of that horseback-lance setup.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Uncontrollable spasms will cause you to accidentally scrawl across many of your important meeting notes this week, proving conclusively that orgasms are simply not worth the trouble.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your dealings with the dark powers will be jeopardized when even they are a little freaked out by how eager you are to behead all those chickens.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be transfixed by the realization that human lives are as unique as snowflakes, and just as indistinguishable from one another when viewed from the proper distance.