Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person’s constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you’ll make next week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The constellation Virgo has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle-ax to church.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You’ll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you’ll only be awake for a few seconds.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’re spending less time considering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’re starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Don’t worry: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they’re unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.