Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Our surveys polls show that 52% of the people in this sign are women, so expect big changes around your part of the zodiac as we work with top female astrologers to make things more gal-friendly in this part of the cosmos.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve tried over and over to snare your coworkers in the tangled web you so carefully spin, but unfortunately, most people know the “Hertz Donut” trick by the time they enter the workforce.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Although the last few weeks have been classic examples of “same crap, different day,” anomalous ripples in the space-time continuum will allow you to experience the same crap, but on the same day over and over.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll garner enthusiastic praise from the world’s leading art and design critics when fiendish but brilliant furniture makers fashion you into a tasteful, living Adirondack chair.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
What you’ll later choose to describe as a “through the looking glass” moment will actually be more of a “down a set of stairs, through a plate-glass window, and out into heavy traffic” sort of afternoon.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll come up with a brilliant scheme to keep your parents from divorcing, one that would certainly work and make them fall back into a deeply committed love, only 11 years too late.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will slowly come to appreciate the value of silence when everyone seems to want to say things you do not wish to hear.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’re still obsessed with having sex with the bearded lady, but you can’t seem to stop bringing home people who are neither.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Someday America will come to an economic understanding that doesn’t include an outrageous hunger for more and more manufactured goods, but for now, your life is pretty sweet.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Everybody has their own part to play in life. Unfortunately, yours is to be the love interest of the true hero: Sam, the cute walrus that’s all the rage on the internet.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It’s both cynical and dangerous to underestimate the power of human love, but that’s okay. You’ll overestimate it every time.