Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide them with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fullness of time.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you have gotten a haircut, you will enigmatically say “Yes, I got them all cut.”
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find it bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
When your life’s work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye, you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won’t work forever.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve achieved your life’s goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor motive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good time to stop giving blood.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Although most of the jabs at your mother’s weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
They laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet “just in case,” but never as hard as they will this week.