Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you’ll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they’re definitely having a much better time than you are.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Critics will call your first poetry collection a “stirring work of utmost courage and beauty,” which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Set your inner child free! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you’re better off not knowing exactly what that means.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Remember: It’s not that you can’t find happiness in life, it’s that you won’t find happiness in life.