Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you’ll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they’re definitely having a much better time than you are.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Critics will call your first poetry collection a “stirring work of utmost courage and beauty,” which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your hunger for knowledge is second to none. Unfortunately, you tend to regurgitate everything right back up again.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Set your inner child free! A bottle of disinfectant, a pair of grasping tongs, and an ordinary wire hanger are all you need!

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Venus is descending in your sign this week, but you’re better off not knowing exactly what that means.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your fear of heights worsens this Thursday when the vertical measurement calls you at home, breathes heavily into the receiver, and threatens to murder your loved ones in their sleep.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Remember: It’s not that you can’t find happiness in life, it’s that you won’t find happiness in life.