Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.


Aries | March 21 to April 19

The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.

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Taurus | April 20 to May 20

No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best “angry chimp” imitation.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You have failed in your life’s goal, but don’t feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don’t waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.

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Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can’t stand animals.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an . In fact, they are pretty sure you’re an asshole.