Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars say to hold tight. Your life is about to undergo a dramatic change. Feel free to interpret that as a hopeful statement if you like.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Remember, taking drugs is no way to be cool and have fun. Selling drugs is the way to be cool and have fun.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There’s almost certainly a more efficient way to get through life, but by this point you’re pretty used to just following any old conga line that goes by.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Someday you’ll find you’re no longer capable of working 60 hours a week just to scrape by, which is probably right when you’ll finally get a job.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars aren’t sure what’s worse: that you keep insisting you’re the inspiration for the lizard in the insurance commercials, or that it’s true and you seem to take such pride in it.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The very Heavens themselves shall bestow their benevolence upon you this week, allowing you to take 15% off selected entrées at a popular chain of restaurants.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You were pretty sure your long, hellish ordeal was finally over, but it turns out it was renewed for another season and you still can’t stop watching it.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be instrumental in disproving several popular theories next week, including the ideas that laughter is good for the soul and that a little fresh air never hurt anyone.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A lot of people will be thinking about nothing but sex and violence all day, but you’re the only one doing something about it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The most difficult week of your life is coming up, but take heart: If you can get through that, you’ll have something to remember during the next 1,872 uniformly boring weeks of your life.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It’s not right to tell someone you could make a better bowl of chili with your asshole. Be the better person and show them how.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see one of those guys who wears fingerless gloves everywhere. Then you’ll think, Jesus Christ, at least you’re not that guy.