Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you’d think would mean problems in your love life, but actually indicates imminent botulism. Interesting, isn’t it?
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 28 hours.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’re starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won’t actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ve never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed “signs” tell you how you should drive your car.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter and you can’t stand animals.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they’d like a bag for that.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an Aquarius. In fact, they are pretty sure you’re an asshole.