Aries | March 21 to April 19
You have a mind like a steel trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Never in a million years did you think you’d be diagnosed with split-personality disorder, which is surprising, as Frank saw it coming a mile away.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A prizewinning horse should have a thick coat, strong hindquarters, and an elegant gait. Also, it probably shouldn’t talk, suddenly split in two, and run off in opposing directions.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It’s not enough to just sit there and cry about your problems all night long. Try also kicking your legs a bit to see if that helps.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Border guards will accuse you of trying to smuggle 10 pounds of prime Chilean beef inside your colon, though the condition they’ll find it in will be less than desirable.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’re getting to be much too old for a babysitter, especially one who’s supposed to be watching after your children.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The stars foresee a huge promotion at work this week. Get ready to move up to Senior Person Whom Nobody Takes Seriously or Respects.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa’s cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Behind every successful man is a woman. However, if they find the basement full of yours, you can kiss your career in politics goodbye.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A little piece of you will die this week, clotting the little fluids it helps to circulate, collapsing the little lungs it helps to expand, and completely shutting down your little nerve center.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, the exaggerated and drawn-out stutter they say it with indicates otherwise.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.