Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2019

Aries | March 21 to April 19

It’s very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week’s end you’ll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said “Either this wallpaper goes or I do,” but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn’t seem to mind.

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ve always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it’ll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you’ve tried that already.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there will probably be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Sometimes, it feels as if your life’s long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren’t very many left.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.

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Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Scorpio is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to fire-exit signs.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them just because you have previously said the words “we’re friends” and “I’ll call you.”

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Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say “I’m afraid I’ve always had a rather sharp tongue.”

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your life will soon lose all direction, which, considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.

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