Aries | March 21 to April 19

Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that’s primarily because you had your pants down at the time.

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: This is what is known as “food poisoning.”

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

They say it’s impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.

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Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Nobody understands the excruciating pain you’re going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else’s night.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

It’s not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—-what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Paved roads aren’t exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you’ll be sleeping from now on.